A little light humour

[pre65]

I'm big waisted in cutting edge audio design y'know.

DTB

[Dave the bass]

You brute!

DTB

[Mike H]

A traffic report has just come in that an elephant has been seen doing a ton on the M1.


Drivers are requested to proceed with caution and treat it as a roundabout.



 

[Cressy Snr]

I went to Blackpool last week for my holidays.

I knocked on the door of this boarding house.

The landlady came out and said "what do you want?"

"I want to stay here ", I said.

"Well stay there then", she said.


A-HA-HA-HA, just like that!

[Mike H]

lol


A man bought a blow-up doll from a shop, when he got home to try it out, he discovered it was bald and had a tadger.

He sat down to write a strongly worded letter of complaint to the manufacturer.

In just a couple of days he received a polite reply, suggesting that maybe he's got it inside out.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two boys were detained by the police, one for drinking battery acid, the other for eating fireworks.

They charged the first one and let the other one off.



 

[Dave the bass]

My little Sister just came back from a back-packing trip around Australia.

In the Outback she stumbled across a fella playing "Waterloo", "Gimmie Gimmie Gimme" and "Fernando" on the Didgeridoo.

She thinks he was an Abbarigine .

DTB

[Mike H]

 

[Mike H]

A man strikes up conversation with a psychiatrist, and it subsequently becomes apparent that he is also the head of a psychiatric hospital. Eventually the man has to ask what criteria does the head psychatrist apply to test whether someone should be admitted as a patient.

"It's very simple", replied the psychiatrist. "We fill a bath with water, then we give the person a teaspoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask them which they would choose to empty the bath with."

"Oh I see," says the man, "that's clever, because of course a normal person would choose the bucket, because that holds the most water and so will empty the bath the fastest."

"No," said the psychiatrist, "a normal person would pull the plug out. Would you like a bed by the window?"



 

[shane]

Just re-discovered this. It's quite old but still makes me giggle:


If the Battle of Trafalgar happened today.

"Order the signal, Hardy."

"Aye, aye sir."

"Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the
meaning of this?"

"Sorry sir?"

"England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race,
gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What
gobbledygook is this?"

"Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities
employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the
censors, lest it be considered racist."

"Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

"Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working
environments"

"In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace
to steel the men before battle."

"The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."

"Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed
ahead."

"I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch
of water."

"Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history.
We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest,
please."

"That won't be possible, sir."

"What?"

"Health & Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And
they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up
there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

"Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

"He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."

"Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

"Health & Safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently abled."

"Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to
hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing
the disability card."

"Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the
areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

"Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

"A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the
crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone
breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to
stand by to engage the enemy."

"The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

"What? This is mutiny!"

"It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged
with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of Legal
Aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

"Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

"Actually, sir, we're not."

"We're not?"

"No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now.
According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this
stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

"But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

"I wouldn't let the ship's Diversity Co-coordinator hear you saying
that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."

"You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."

"Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.
Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."

"Don't tell me - Health & Safety . Whatever happened to rum, sodomy
and the lash?"

"As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on
corporal punishment."

"What about sodomy?"

"I believe it's to be encouraged, sir."

"In that case, kiss me, Hardy."

[Mike H]

 

[Mike H]

Property For Sale

2 bedroom house, comprising: ground floor master bedroom and bedroom 2, kitchen dining area to first floor with access to terrace, living room to second floor with scenic views, own garage, good sized rear garden, and insulted loft.



I hate you vile attic!




 

[Prince of Darkness]

Security news summary:


The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies "just in case".

Canada doesn't have any alert levels.

New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend", and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

[chris661]

That's a good one!

[al newall]

Sellers like this are a bit of a joke.

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/eminence-15inch-h ... 0702936397

[pre65]

Never been used ?

Perhaps he's a used car salesman ?

How are you feeling after hospitalisation ?